I inspire new possibilities to deepen love, intimacy and self-expression. I mainly write articles about that, but you'll also find refrences on design, fitness and finance. More
Here I am. Here. Now. I announce my arrival as much to you as to myself. I slow down the time. I can get so caught up in doing and thinking I forget to be. But here I am coming back to the only thing that’s real: you and I in this moment. I am your ultimate audience and you are my star. You’re my crackling, dancing, blazing campfire rising to the heavens. Whether that’s what’s actually going on or if I’m getting dressed in my bedroom again for the millionth time, I honor your performance around me with the same presence. My attitude is one of unforced eagerness. Sometimes it’s hard to get here but once I arrive it feels odd that I ever resisted witnessing you as fully as I can from here.
Instead of getting sucked in by the details I expand my awareness to envelop more of you. Instead of focusing my vision, my visual field expands. But I don’t stop at sight, I use all my senses to become aware of what’s behind, underneath and above me. My awareness reaches to the corners of the room and beyond. If I’m on the move, my awareness travels with me like a bubble. I can feel the texture and temperature of all the objects and surfaces that pass through it. From every rough branch that slices by to the cold stones and the softness of the soil I walk on. Everything I see gets pulled to me. And every inhale brings them even closer. Every object gets my attention without compromising my attention of this whole. I do this by dissolving boundaries until I don’t see separate objects but only see you. I don’t get lost counting the trees, I see the forest. I get a general idea of volumes, amounts and groupings. I don’t trace the exact movements of the fish in the lake either but sense more general directions and flow. I avoid anything that would need me to zoom into details and drop awareness of the whole. It’s sweet how you tease and test me on this. You move so sexy, it takes strength not to pour all my attention into a single spot. This can be flattering to you, but I know deep down you don’t want to be one single thing for me. You want to be my everything.
My mind is the enemy that keeps us apart. It throws stories at me, but they are all lies. It shows me fantasies about the future and past, both of which aren’t real. Even the stories about myself isn’t who I am, but only stories. I used to hold them up like rags to cover myself. When I let go of the rags you not only see the real, naked me, but my hands are now free to hold you close to me. I thought my rags were what I had to offer, but you only wanted to be close to me.
Painful stories have a particular way of grabbing my attention. Shame tells me I don’t deserve to be with you. Worry tells me I’ll be punished for it. The stories may even appear to offer some benefits. But because I love you more than anything shame or worry can offer me, I sacrifice them to be with you. I quiet my mind. I am an empty vessel ready for you to fill. I won’t let my thoughts take up that precious space intended for you.
I make no apologies for my appearance, the space I occupy or movements I make. I don’t mind being different because I know the more I conform to expectation the more I betray myself. No more will I be afraid of petty things, such as: Looking in the wrong direction. Being the only one to stand up to stretch my legs. Or making the smallest sound if it seems others find it inappropriate. Since learning how welcomed I am by you, I look where I want to look, I move the way I want to move, and I don’t hold back my voice. I don’t want to go back into that invisible box I’ve put myself in. That paralysing embarrassment. I also had to learn that pushing through my fears to behave as myself was not the solution. I had to drop the fear that was holding me back in the first place. I had to replace it with your love and acceptance. I now move in the world as if loving eyes are the only ones that see me.
When my mind wasn’t trying to keep us apart, I even used to distract myself from you on purpose. I didn’t think you were enough for me so I searched elsewhere. I used to get bored by you and hated repetition. Where I once saw repetition I now see renewing. I let go of my pride that told me I already knew. Each moment I am open to get to know you and what you’ve become once again. Each new moment refreshes our relationship. Each new moment turns you into a virgin. Boring is a description of my attitude, not you. When I was a child, everything was new and exciting. My attention jumped from one distraction to the next shiny thing. Since realizing what a precious resource my attention is, I am less reactive and more deliberate. Whether my attention gets pulled off you or I choose to lay it elsewhere, it hurts you. I don’t want to cause you unnecessary pain. For as long as this session lasts, you can trust in my presence.
Times that are the hardest to stay out of my mind are when I’m in pain. When I want this moment to be over I’m tempted to escape into my mind. When my pulse is high and I’m trying to endure an exercise I find myself wanting to fast forward to the end of it. When trying to endure intense heat or cold I must fight my tendency to escape inward. I stay with the experience. You are not a problem I need to solve. There are times to work on positive change, but this is not such a moment. So I let go of making plans to change you. I stop telling myself I don’t have time for this. I’m no longer in a rush to get away from you. I let go of any resentment I have about the way you are right now. It doesn’t matter if I asked for this or not. You don’t exist to please me, likewise, I don’t exist to please you. You can be whoever you want to be for me and it wont change my presence. The look in my eyes that says I want you doesn’t change. I’m staying. Right here. With you.
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